Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse, Explicit Language
Navigating my own sexual pleasure has come with challenges, especially when I was “living as a girl” while buckled onto a rollercoaster ride of gender + genital dysphoria, eating disorders and sexual abuse survival. These components to my human experience created a detour + disconnection from feeling present in my body. During that time, I experienced a lot of sexual struggles while being perceived as a girl. I developed multiple internally ingrained belief systems that were influenced from outside sources. This conditioning created expectations for me to comply to stereotypical standards of sex + gender based on my “sex assigned at birth” and a body to which I felt unattached to.
I was taught at a young age that I owed cisgender males my body + their orgasms because I have a vagina. By 13 I began exploring sex. My sexual awakening fell into the hands of a guy who felt entitled to put a sold sign on my body after our first sexual encounter. I basically became his (or his friends if he said so) property. I froze in fear and learned to disassociate as I did as a child after my first molestation. In return, I learned to open my legs, not my mouth/voice, while I stayed sexually starved, while guys stayed forcefully full. My silence became my shield, became my safety, became my survival.
After fleeing that abusive relationship under traumatic circumstances, I didn’t know what healthy/responsible sex looked or felt like. I began encountering more boys that viewed my vagina as a one stop shop to push + pop. My sexual pleasure was erased behind misogyny + toxic masculinity; constant reminders that “(my) place was putting out.” Sex became a power struggle until one day I realized I could use my body in ways it was being used. I found myself lost in a limbo of using seduction + careless sex for self validation + approval I wasn’t getting any other ways but desperately needed.
I became curious about claiming my own orgasms in my mid-teens. I’ll never forget the first time I orgasmed. My boyfriend at the time was eager to perform oral sex. My previous experiences didn’t allow this so I was an anxious amateur. My mind was a muffled mess of “what if I smell or taste bad?” and “what if he thinks I don’t look normal down there?” However, I consented on my own terms: lights off, panties on and I give the green light GO or red light NO. His thirsty tongue went from 25 mph residential to exceeding the 65 mph freeway speed limit while my body traveled a highway to Heaven. I felt like my soul had left my body. It was intense and I began to love it but something was missing.
At 16, a few life-changing things happened:
1. I put the pieces of my gender dysphoria puzzle together and came out as male. I had no clue where life would lead me but I knew inside that this felt consciously complete. The next step was to start the physical, medical and legal process of transitioning.
2. I started having sex with girls which showed me what lovingly wholesome intimacy truly felt like for me. I loved everything about sex with girls but my holdback was fear of letting them touch me due to my dysphoria.
3. I got involved in the Kink/BDSM Community which later turned into a heartfelt Lifestyle for me that I still live and breathe in the way fresh air comforts my raw lungs.
From 18-21 I focused on collaborating all physical, medical and legal aspects of my transition: Name change, testosterone hormone treatment therapy, chest surgery (double mastectomy) and changing identifications + records to state I’m legally male.
Starting T (testosterone) was a total trip. I went through a second puberty and one of my first changes was clitoral growth followed by road runner libido races. My sexual pleasure and ability to orgasm enhanced in ways I wasn’t ready for but damn it was phenomenal! I began to touch myself, pleasure myself, and love myself in ways I could never while living “as a girl.” I learned to self care with the healing powers of masturbation while dismantling fears that connecting to my vulva made me “less of a man”. I also took back the word “Pussy” and claimed it as MY own empowering descriptor.
"Consent is CRITICAL not optional. Equal opportunity orgasms are for everyone and for each to claim as their own. I NEVER owed or owe anyone my body or sex, no one does. As for IOU, the only person I owe anything to is MYSELF so I’m writing a lifelong love story to and from my body while becoming my own lover again and again."
Reclaiming my body, learning mindful methods of communicating consent and developing stable sexual self esteem became a sex positive revolution for me. From solo sex to queer sex to Kinky sex to sex work sex, I finally got to experience the kind of erotic euphoria I had been craving for so long and honey, was I hungry! There was no more shameful sex, instead sex was a sensual smorgasbord of exploration + liberation, sticky + sweaty like fresh out of the oven ready and HOT like Southern Summer sidewalks + cutesy cuddles with aftercare talks!
Sex after trauma + post transition has been a solid source of healing for me, especially through Kink/BDSM which encourages all the playfully promiscuous power in me to move in healthful harmony with consenting partners. This has allowed me the privilege of experiencing equal opportunity orgasms that transcend far beyond just sexual/physical ones and interconnect emotional, psychological and spiritual spectrums of release as well. These kinds of orgasms hug my heart and soothe my soul. Equal opportunity orgasms feel like freedom and a sacred space inside me truly believes they are a form of freedom.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m completely content with not getting bottom surgery (surgically constructing a penis). I have grown a deep connection to and appreciation for vulvas + vaginas, including my own. What was once my “enemy” is now my BFF. I love my Pussy magic! Seriously, I’m like the femme fairy sprinkling sex sparkles at the Pussy Parade. This confidence has opened space in my life to openly + honestly write about vulva positivity while being able to share my vulnerability, sexuality and story.
Here I am today, at 37, a survivor + sex positive sweetie on a marvelous mission to continue to unpack, dismantle, relearn, grow and heal as a human + sexual being. The most valuable things I have learned in my sexual journey are:
1. Consent is CRITICAL not optional.
2. Equal opportunity orgasms are for everyone and for each to claim as their own.
3. I NEVER owed or owe anyone my body or sex, no one does. As for IOU, the only person I owe anything to is MYSELF so I’m writing a lifelong love story to and from my body while becoming my own lover again and again.